Friday, August 21, 2009

scene 3, part 3

flashback time

I began to think about the past last night, not in mourning or sadness, just remembering. It all takes place when I was about 16. I have always been a flirt. I'm just going to put that out there. I love to flirt. I used to flirt so much with so many guys. I flirted to get my way or just because I was bored. It didn't matter. I loved to flirt. I could flirt my butt off but saying I like you just didn't work. I remember Jacob making me ask him out with the entire English class watching. I was so scared, embarrassed, and nervous even though I knew he was going to say yes. I couldn't even do it! I had to repeat after Kristi! The last word was more of a shriek than a word. I was so upset that he made me do that. I remember how I used to be called a tease by my boyfriends. Yes, I was horrible. I really was a tease. My best friend was Brandi then. She was short and extremely skinny. The two things I was not. All the guys looked at her and liked her. It hurt so bad because they would talk to me about how much they liked her. She always had a boyfriend, was never without. I, however, did not. Back then I was so envious of her. What I wouldn't have given to be short and a size two like her.

and on to the future...

I look back now and laugh about it. I still like to flirt, yes, but I don't do it all the time. If I'm around someone who overly flirts all the time I just hang back. I can flirt but I choose when and where to do it and I can control it. I laugh at how upset I was about Jacob making me ask him out. I knew he was going to say yes. He just wanted me to do it because he said it was sexier. I'm still shy about that kind of thing, but it's so funny that I just couldn't do it. Why make it awkward? He knew already so why couldn't I just say it? Saying I love you wasn't near as hard as Will you go out with me. I feel bad about having been a tease back then. I am not one now. I'd feel to guilty for doing it! lol I laugh about the Brandi thing too. Who cares if she was short and a size two? So what? I'm tall. Ok. I like being tall thank you. If a guy has a problem with me being tall then he's not worth it in my opinion. People used to call me Supermodel and I hated it. I wanted to be short. Dang, call me a supermodel now. I'd feel great! haha! Also, who cares if I'm not a size two? I have curves, and I love them. I still feel tiny when a man hugs me. I'm proud of who I am. If someone thinks I'm ugly or fat or whatever, I don't care. I am actually glad that I didn't always have a boyfriend. I'm glad that I had time to myself. It taught me more about who I am and who I want to be. I mean of course being in a relationship is amazing. I'm not saying it isn't or that I wouldn't want one. I'm saying that I've learned more about myself over the past year than I ever even knew. I learned great lessons about myself just by listening to me and praying a lot. I learned to forgive/forget/move on and how to love deeper than I ever thought was possible.

I feel good about myself and that's what matters. I mean I'd still love to hear a guy call me beautiful or small or whatever who wouldnt? lol I love to laugh. I love to sing. I love to dance. I love to make people laugh. I love to look at the scenery every once in a while and just slow down instead of driving fast. I love being around friends. I love to love. I love being loved. I love roses. I love running through the sprinklers and falling down in the mud. I love food fights. I love riding my bike. I love sitting by the fountain. I love walking down the stairs like Cinderella. I love putting on a fancy dress and just twirling. I love writing. I love being me and that won't change.

Love Always, Kellbelle

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