scene 7, day 2

"No boy is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry." --saying on my t-shirt

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have."

slowly but confidently, i am getting through this. i have learned that day two equals freedom. I am free. Finally! For the first time in a long time I feel alive and free! I got up and went to church and felt as if the sermon was just for me. I was excited and happy to be around my brother and sister-in-law and her family and Michael. We had fun and then I came here and enjoyed my evening. I have this wonderful feeling soaring through my entire body. I am free. Everywhere that was filled with the pain and hurt is now replaced by God, the one who should have been there in the first place, but I stupidly let something else take His place. I still have memories floating about in the spaces of my mind. They overtake some thoughts and block out others. I try to shut them out as best I can, but it is to be expected right? I am still confused about everything that has been going on, but it just doesn't matter. The point is that the sun is out and I am dancing in the light-filled streets as rays of sunshine surround me. I heard some songs today that really caught my attention and made me feel a lot better. These are the ones:

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.



I've heard it said that Love is blind
It's never afraid, patient and kind
I've heard it said Love's all you need
And that it is a many splendored thing

I've heard people sing of Love at first sight
And how it's so wrong, and how it's so right
It lifts you up, it lets you down
But I have found...

Chorus

Love is a Cross
And Love let it be
Love is saving you
Love is saving me
The blood and the nails
A body so bruised
A Holy heart was broken
That's how he chose to prove
Love is a Cross

I've read that Love is just a myth
It's only a crutch, it doesn't exist
It's something the world cannot achieve
But I believe...

Repeat Chorus

Bridge
Peace is like a rushing river
Hope is paradise
Joy's an overflowing fountain
Love paid the price...Cause

Scene 7, the beginning of a better time

The rain has poured for two straight weeks. Unending and undying. Water dripped from everywhere as if someone had been crying their heart and soul out. Their happiness must have been hidden for patches of sunshine would come through and then get covered by clouds. Why isn't the person happy? Why do they cry? What has made them happy for small increments throughout two weeks and how can the happiness be restored?

After a long and confusing night and only thirty minutes of sleep in the past 34 hours, I bring you my weary and out of place thoughts. However, most of them are too painful to write down. At least on here anyway. Or too confusing rather. My head was a jumbled mess for so long and my heart a black hole. Today after a very long morning of just lying on my bed pondering, I realized the truth. The truth I'd been wanting and praying not to get for so long. The truth that someone was not who I thought they were. Not in the least.

I have now done what I must. I have done the only thing that I could do. I have done the one thing I didn't want to ever have to do. I have done the most painful, heart-wrenching, self-gratifying, wonderful, confident, amazing, sad, agonizing, complicated, self-fulfilling thing that I could do. My life surely shall be better for it. In the long run at least. Not now. But eventually I will be happier.

Today the sun shone. The clouds were white and fluffy and soaring through the blue sky. The brightest and most amazing sight my eyes had beheld in a long time. My eyes closed when I first stepped out into the light for it had been gone for so long. You see, the light had been gone for such a long time, that the poor person cried and cried. Then last nigh,t realized that they were too good for whatever they were going through. The sun beamed down like a flashlight in the darkness in the early morning hours of the day. Then the true miracle happened. A beautiful sun appeared and that person was happy once more. Not a small patch of light, but rather a grand and beautiful and majestic light shining down to restore lost confidence.

That was when I thanked God for the wonders He has placed before me. The wonderful people that I love to be with who could never hurt me. The wonderful family he bestowed upon me. The wonderful world he placed at my feet. And the wonderful feeling inside of me as I realized the darkness was over forever. Thank You, Lord, for it is You who I am grateful to. It is You whom I love more than any person on this earth. It is You, Lord, who I serve. And it is You, Lord, who I could never sell myself short for. For You are the one who made me and You make no mistakes.

Thank You.

I love You, Lord. Love always and eternally forever, Kellbelle

scene 6, part 3

At first I thought everything would be okay. Everything would be all fine and dandy and life would be great. Boy I was wrong. So very wrong. How could I have let myself imagine such a thing? That everything would work out great? I knew better. I knew better all along. How could I have thought that maybe I was right? For I knew I could never be. Sometimes a girl focuses too much on some things and lets others go. I know now that the only person I can turn to, the only person that can help, is God. I knew this all along of course. However, sometimes you listen and sometimes you ignore it for a while. My life is like a jumbled mess. On the outside it may look wonderful. But once you place yourself in my shoes and hear my thoughts on everything, you'd be begging for a way out. Too much is going on and there is just too much stress.

There is one person to whom I am very sorry. You see I just keep fighting with this person. All we ever do is fight anymore. To you, I am hugely sorry. It's not that I hate you nor that I want you to hate me. It's that I let everything pile on me and then I snap. In order to not have a huge explosion, I've been having several small ones recently. Unfortunately they have all been directed at you because you're the one saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I am sorry for this. I hope you will forgive me.

To anyone I have upset, I apologize. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to be a mad person. I don't want to be a sad person. I just want to be me. Happy go lucky me. It just seems I keep going into hiding. Once stress overloads I can't be happy go lucky all the time. I'm too busy worrying about every single thing. I can be with friends and just get lost in thought in an instant because I'm so busy worrying over things. I am sorry for this. Maybe my stress level will lower soon, but I fear it's only just started to fill up because of upcoming tests and then other things as well. The one thought constantly running through my mind is:

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a doctor after all.

scene 6, part 2

My life is way way too stressful. I almost missed my major's biology test today...which would be very very bad. Thank God they let me make that one up. I fell down a flight of stairs Monday and I am in severe pain from it. I probably failed a calculus test today. Ok..not probably..I'm sure I did. If I got 7 correct I'll be in shock. I'm tired of two certain people. They're driving me insane. I don't give a crap about those friendships right now. What is stopping me from going off on them? I'm too nice. Yeah. That's why. How sad. I'd love to just go off but I don't want to hurt their feelings. So I let them hurt my feelings instead. Um no more. Not cool. It's over. I have had a terrible day. Well Kevin and I went out and had a lot of fun. That was very enjoyable but I'm glad I was able to get in early bc it gave me a chance to decompress and do laundry. My life is a mess. I need to de-stress. No matter what it takes...I've got to.

scene 6, part 1

I decided to take a while off from writing this. I wanted to see how I felt after not writing what was going on. I believe I'm going insane. My life has been a whirlwind the past few weeks. So much has happened that I can't even see straight anymore. For a while I felt as though everything was laid out in front of me. I had my map and there was a trail at my feet leading me to what I knew was at the end. Over the past few weeks, the trail has disappeared and my map has blown away in the wind. I am running through the jungle, fighting off tigers and bears, and trying my hardest to make it to my destination. The one thing I know is that I have to do the only thing I had never even been able to imagine. All at once the impossible is the only road I can follow and I was screaming and fighting against it for so long, but now, I realize I have to go through with it.

At Wit's End by Hans Zimmer from the Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End soundtrack is my life right now. In the past two weeks I have lived out this song. Listen to it.

Embarking upon a journey is always tough and requires much strength, emotionally and physically. I pray that God gives me the strength to do what I must.

Love Always, Kellbelle

scene 5, part 3

Last night I went to Daniel and Ray Ray's party. It was a lot of fun! This guy named Derrick kept flirting with me calling me his heart! It was so funny! Then after Lacey left Ray Ray asked me to stay with him and watch True Blood so I did. It was so good! We had a blast! I got home at 2 and then stayed up till 3! I was so tired all day today! I went to my classes and kept getting consumed by thought. I couldn't stop day dreaming!! I would end up tuning out the professors because I was so into whatever I was dreaming or thinking about. I have no idea what philosophy was about today...I remember he said God a lot. lol

I really don't have too much to say today because I am so tired. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep sounds so delightfully good right now. I think I may take a shower and then depart for dream land where dreaming won't make me fail out of school.

I love you! Love Always, Kellbelle

scene 5, part 2

I regret not really talking yesterday. I am sorry. I should have typed. I learned some things about myself yesterday. For one I learned that I think of others way too much. I don't tell guys I like them bc I'm afraid they'll get upset! How terrible of me! So anyways, I learned a lot. But mostly I learned to not be afraid anymore. I'm not going to run away from my problems but instead face them with how I deem the correct way to.

I found out today that telling a guy that I they are a great friend is like the A-bomb hitting Hiroshima. I realized after I was told this that I have told guys I like that they are great friends. Not because I didn't want to date them because I did want to date them. It's because I really am happy that they are my friend. IDK but Apparently I have dropped the A-bomb several times without realizing it. To one person, I am extremely sorry because I really did like him and I thanked him for his friendship and he got really upset and I didn't understand why. Now I do.

So tonight I am going to unwind and relax seeing as I only have band tomorrow. The plan is to read my new cosmopolitan and take a bubble bath with the Disney princess bubble bath I bought tonight. lol

I went out with Mary Rodgers tonight! It was so much fun! We went to Newks and Walmart lol. We saw this guy driving his car wearing a bike helmet! We were laughing so hard! She started crying! I took a picture of him lol. It was so funny!

Peace, Love, and Cucumbers!! Love Always, Kellbelle :D

scene 5, part 1

I realized a lot of things about myself today. There are a lot of things I could say, but I'm honestly too tired right now. So I'm going to continue talking to Shane and make this short for today. This isn't my number one priority right now. So Ill tell you everything tomorrow! SEE YA ON THE FLIP SIDE YO! I'll leave you with my mantra for today:

no fear

Love Always, Kellbelle