Last night I ended up getting very very upset by someone. I actually cried. Many many times. The sadness kind of started to turn into anger. I went to bed still upset and hurt and cried myself to sleep. I awoke at nine this morning, three hours than I wanted to, and stared at nothing. I lay there wishing everything was different. Asking God if I had done what he had told me to or had I misinterpreted it or was it supposed to happen like this. Still upset, I cried some more. Then I realized anger was better. I needed to cover up the way I was feeling or I'd never make it through the day. I got up and sat down for a while just kind of staring still, like I had been doing for about four hours. I decided that the only way I could make it through the day was to be a character. To let Kelli vanish to the outside world for a little while. I sat down with all my makeup in front of me and proceeded to grab the grays and blacks to make my eyes dark. I put on music by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and also a song called It's Alright, It's Ok and I danced and lip sang in my room. Then I was ready to go to class. I put on my iPod to these same songs and began my treck to Bishop Hall from where I parked in the Pit. I had decided I wouldn't talk to anyone. I would keep a mean look on my face and hope everyone would leave me alone. I began to walk with this look on my face and yes...people noticed. It was like I had this aura around me. The funny thing was it wasn't all Leave Me Alone but it ended up being a confident aura. I ended up smiling to people with this interesting smile plastered upon my confident face. My gaze was piercing and strong. I realized the character I had made was in part to Andrew Henning asking me last night, "What could such a strong person like you possibly get upset about?" He listened to what I had to tell him and he said it seems you already know the answer. I'm so happy he knew what the answer was because I sure didn't. He made me more confident in myself and let me know that I could stand up and hide what I am feeling and show the world someone else. I got to band and sat down with my music blaring into my ears. I was one of two people in there and the tears began to flood my eyes and I immediately stopped them, angry at myself for allowing sadness to come back. The confidence I didn't show there, just pure anger. Hatred. When certain people looked into my eyes they would find a frightening glare staring back. I ended up hiding the anger sometime during practice and decided to be happy again. Even though the anger still swirled underneath the smile. Now I am ok. I am alright. I am not mad. But yes, I am sad. The answer is unclear to me right now. Last night God told me what to do and I did it. Now I guess I'm just waiting. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for a sign. Waiting for hope.
Love Always, Kellbelle