Thursday, September 24, 2009

scene 6, part 3

At first I thought everything would be okay. Everything would be all fine and dandy and life would be great. Boy I was wrong. So very wrong. How could I have let myself imagine such a thing? That everything would work out great? I knew better. I knew better all along. How could I have thought that maybe I was right? For I knew I could never be. Sometimes a girl focuses too much on some things and lets others go. I know now that the only person I can turn to, the only person that can help, is God. I knew this all along of course. However, sometimes you listen and sometimes you ignore it for a while. My life is like a jumbled mess. On the outside it may look wonderful. But once you place yourself in my shoes and hear my thoughts on everything, you'd be begging for a way out. Too much is going on and there is just too much stress.

There is one person to whom I am very sorry. You see I just keep fighting with this person. All we ever do is fight anymore. To you, I am hugely sorry. It's not that I hate you nor that I want you to hate me. It's that I let everything pile on me and then I snap. In order to not have a huge explosion, I've been having several small ones recently. Unfortunately they have all been directed at you because you're the one saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I am sorry for this. I hope you will forgive me.

To anyone I have upset, I apologize. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to be a mad person. I don't want to be a sad person. I just want to be me. Happy go lucky me. It just seems I keep going into hiding. Once stress overloads I can't be happy go lucky all the time. I'm too busy worrying about every single thing. I can be with friends and just get lost in thought in an instant because I'm so busy worrying over things. I am sorry for this. Maybe my stress level will lower soon, but I fear it's only just started to fill up because of upcoming tests and then other things as well. The one thought constantly running through my mind is:

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a doctor after all.

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