A Short Rant

Let me just begin this with saying that I have a story to tell, but it will surely take a while to get that whole story out.

This goes to a certain guy out there named *George.

Dear George, you are not a player. You have never been a player. You do not have the personality of one. Sorry, but you don't. Confidence is okay, but confidence to the point of being narcissism or egotism, is not. Take a look in the mirror and realize that this just isn't you. I know you too well. You are going to end up hating yourself for the way you've been acting. You're trying to play some game with every girl you encounter, yet you still go home alone because it isn't working out very well for you. Why is this? It isn't you. You aren't this person. Realize who you really are and become that person. He is the guy that I always have enjoyed talking to.

When a man says that he is going to be "assertive", this always ends up meaning that he is going to be a jerk. It ALWAYS happens. I've seen it so many times. Friends who decide that they don't like who they are and they are going to become "assertive". This just ends up meaning that they bite everyone's heads off all the time and they are just mean. They say mean things and end up hurting many people's feelings. I can't stand it when guys tell me that they're going to be assertive. It normally ends up with one of two results. Either A. the guy stays "assertive" and loses a lot of friends, but gains other jerky, assertive friends and is looked down on by people or B. the guy realizes that he is being a jerk and goes back to being himself or some mixture of the two. In my opinion, a mixture is good. You can be assertive and compassionate. It IS okay.


As always, I must end with lyrics from a song:

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Huh! Huh!

I wanna kiss you, but if I do then I might miss you, babe
It's complicated and stupid
Got my ass squeezed by sexy Cupid
Guess he wants to play, wants to play
A lovegame, a lovegame

Hold me and love me
Just wanna touch you for a minute
Maybe three seconds is enough For my heart to quit it
let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
don't think too much, just bust that stick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a lovegame
Play a lovegame
Do you want love? Or you want fame?
Are you in the game?
Doin' the lovegame  Huh! 

I'm on a mission and it involves some heavy touching, yeah
You've indicated your interest I'm educated in sex, yes
And now I want it bad, want it bad
A lovegame, a lovegame

Hold me and love me
just want touch you for a minute
Maybe three seconds is enough For my heart to quit it
Let's have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Don't think too much, just bust that stick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

Let's play a lovegame
Play a lovegame
Do you want love? Or you want fame?
Are you in the game?
Doin' the lovegame  Huh!

I can see you staring there from across the block
with a smile on your mouth and your hand on your huh
The story of us, it always starts the same
with a boy and a girl and a huh and a game
And a game (huh) And a game (huh) And a game (huh)
A lovegame!

Let's play a lovegame
Play a lovegame
Do you want love? Or you want fame?
Are you in the game?
Doin' the lovegame  

*names are changed to protect the not-so-innocent

A New Story

Have you ever looked back on the past year and really thought about it? All the things you accomplished, all the things you failed at, and the things you wish you'd done just a bit differently. Well I most definitely have before. 2010 was one interesting year for me. Overall, I had some great times last year and I had some tough times too. However, I don't think I would change one thing about it. I learned a lot from my past and I know that I have grown from it. I can see it in myself.

Several times this year, I have had people ask me why I keep smiling. It's not a conscious thing. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm just happy. I'm stressed from school, but happy. I love my friends and family. I have become closer with some people and re-established some old friendships again. Now that's not to say that I haven't had a few bad things happen already. Of course I have. But, I have not cried at all about anything. It just doesn't matter enough for me to worry about it. Yes, I finally learned to stop worrying so much!!! I really am a happier person.

I believe that my happiness has really grown because my relationship with God has developed even more. I can feel him in me and only want to please him with everything I do. God helped me so much through 2010 and all my 21 years. He has always been there for me. I think it's just time for me to feel like I deserve that.

I titled this "A New Story" because with a new year, comes a new chapter. I, however; have been writing this like a movie script so that doesn't work very well. I think that this year is going to be better and different. This entire school year has been much better than last year and I just hope that 2011 will continue with that.


And now, today's song (which keeps getting stuck in my head, as it is on my Sleep Playlist): Happy Days Are Here Again

So long sad times
Go long bad times
We are rid of you at last

Howdy gay times
Cloudy gray times
You are now a thing of the past

Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again

Altogether shout it now
There's no one
Who can doubt it now
So let's tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again

Your cares and troubles are gone
There'll be no more from now on
From now on ...

Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So, Let's sing a song of cheer again

Happy times
Happy nights
Happy days
Are here again!

Me, Myself, and Time

I really like this and at times I feel like this is my song so I figured that I'd get on here and put it up even though I haven't posted in like FOREVER! Maybe I should start posting again once summer starts. hmmm... Ideas, Ideas.



I can make the rain stop if I wanna,
Just by my attitude
I can take my laptop record a snapshot
And change your point of view

I just entered this brand new world
And I'm so open-hearted
I know I've got a long way to go but I
I'm just getting started

I'm over my head, and I know it, I know it
I'm doing my best not to show it, to show it
Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I'm gonna try
Cause I'm living the dream and I know it, I know it
I'm trying my best not to blow it, to blow it
And I know everything will be fine
With me, myself and time.

I go where life takes me, but somedays it makes me want to change my direction
Sometimes it gets lonely, but I know that it's only a matter of my perception
I just entered this brand new world
And I'm so open-hearted
I know I've got a long way to go but I
I'm just getting started

I'm over my head, and I know it, I know it
I'm doing my best not to show it, to show it
Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I'm gonna try
Cause I'm living the dream and I know it, I know it
I'm trying my best not to blow it, to blow it
And I know everything will be fine
With me, myself and time.

And baby there is nothing like this moment
To just be real and let the truth be spoken
Whatever's broke I can make it unbroken
Turn the lead in my hand into something golden
Just try more love, if I just try more love then I'll find
Myself and time.

I'm over my head, and I know it, I know it
I'm doing my best not to show it, to show it
Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I'm gonna try

Now I'm living the dream, and I know it, I know it
I'm doing my best not to show it, to show it
Whatever it takes to be what I was meant to be, I'm gonna try
Cause I'm living the dream and I know it, I know it
I'm trying my best not to blow it, to blow it
And I know everything will be fine
With me, myself and time.

I'll find myself in time,
I know I'll find myself in time

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/demi_lovato/

scene 7, part 3

I am one of those people who makes up my mind on something and typically sticks to it. Many have called me persistent. However, this persistent girl has given up. I will not continue down this road anymore. They say dreams are a wish your heart makes, but I believe sometimes dreams are warnings as well. I think dreams show you what you're afraid to admit to yourself. I have been having dreams about a certain thing since Saturday. Each dream ends with the same conclusion. Today I awoke all mad and then realized again that it was a dream. Later today I realized my dream was correct. I went to classes and wrote my first song since before school started and then went to the park afterwards. I walked along the trail and lay down on the benches, staring into the blue sky and thinking. I began to cry at times as I thought of all of the things I miss and yearn for. I listened to music and just thought and then as I came home, I got on a warpath. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I probably scared Aiynor half to death as I yelled out "Do not leave your freaking food out on the counter!" from the kitchen... I didn't know anyone was home. When I walked back out she was putting it up. You see Aiynor has a habit of leaving food in my pans on the stove just sitting there for days at a time. It is very very annoying and ruining my pans. I'm not angry anymore. I'm being cautious of my heart from now on.

thoughts of you fill my mind
the feelings of your lips against mine
your warm embrace
those eyes that scorch my soul

you're nothing but a memory now
you left me all alone out in the cold
you game me a promise of a happier day
a day where we would be together
and then took it all away

i believed that you did care for me
the looks you gave were filled with love
hope swept through my body
as you pulled me close and held me tight

you're nothing but a memory now
you left me all alone out in the cold
you gave me a promise of a happier day
a day where we would be together
and then you took it all away

for so long my skies were gray
i cried over you
and wished for the promise you left unfulfilled
now sun is streaming out all around
the sounds of laughter have taken the place of my tears
and i'm no longer driven by fear

you're nothing but a memory now
you left me out in the cold
you gave me a promise of a happier day
a day where we would be together
then i realized i didn't want it anyway

scene 7, day 2

"No boy is worth crying over and the one who is won't make you cry." --saying on my t-shirt

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have."

slowly but confidently, i am getting through this. i have learned that day two equals freedom. I am free. Finally! For the first time in a long time I feel alive and free! I got up and went to church and felt as if the sermon was just for me. I was excited and happy to be around my brother and sister-in-law and her family and Michael. We had fun and then I came here and enjoyed my evening. I have this wonderful feeling soaring through my entire body. I am free. Everywhere that was filled with the pain and hurt is now replaced by God, the one who should have been there in the first place, but I stupidly let something else take His place. I still have memories floating about in the spaces of my mind. They overtake some thoughts and block out others. I try to shut them out as best I can, but it is to be expected right? I am still confused about everything that has been going on, but it just doesn't matter. The point is that the sun is out and I am dancing in the light-filled streets as rays of sunshine surround me. I heard some songs today that really caught my attention and made me feel a lot better. These are the ones:

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.



I've heard it said that Love is blind
It's never afraid, patient and kind
I've heard it said Love's all you need
And that it is a many splendored thing

I've heard people sing of Love at first sight
And how it's so wrong, and how it's so right
It lifts you up, it lets you down
But I have found...

Chorus

Love is a Cross
And Love let it be
Love is saving you
Love is saving me
The blood and the nails
A body so bruised
A Holy heart was broken
That's how he chose to prove
Love is a Cross

I've read that Love is just a myth
It's only a crutch, it doesn't exist
It's something the world cannot achieve
But I believe...

Repeat Chorus

Bridge
Peace is like a rushing river
Hope is paradise
Joy's an overflowing fountain
Love paid the price...Cause

Scene 7, the beginning of a better time

The rain has poured for two straight weeks. Unending and undying. Water dripped from everywhere as if someone had been crying their heart and soul out. Their happiness must have been hidden for patches of sunshine would come through and then get covered by clouds. Why isn't the person happy? Why do they cry? What has made them happy for small increments throughout two weeks and how can the happiness be restored?

After a long and confusing night and only thirty minutes of sleep in the past 34 hours, I bring you my weary and out of place thoughts. However, most of them are too painful to write down. At least on here anyway. Or too confusing rather. My head was a jumbled mess for so long and my heart a black hole. Today after a very long morning of just lying on my bed pondering, I realized the truth. The truth I'd been wanting and praying not to get for so long. The truth that someone was not who I thought they were. Not in the least.

I have now done what I must. I have done the only thing that I could do. I have done the one thing I didn't want to ever have to do. I have done the most painful, heart-wrenching, self-gratifying, wonderful, confident, amazing, sad, agonizing, complicated, self-fulfilling thing that I could do. My life surely shall be better for it. In the long run at least. Not now. But eventually I will be happier.

Today the sun shone. The clouds were white and fluffy and soaring through the blue sky. The brightest and most amazing sight my eyes had beheld in a long time. My eyes closed when I first stepped out into the light for it had been gone for so long. You see, the light had been gone for such a long time, that the poor person cried and cried. Then last nigh,t realized that they were too good for whatever they were going through. The sun beamed down like a flashlight in the darkness in the early morning hours of the day. Then the true miracle happened. A beautiful sun appeared and that person was happy once more. Not a small patch of light, but rather a grand and beautiful and majestic light shining down to restore lost confidence.

That was when I thanked God for the wonders He has placed before me. The wonderful people that I love to be with who could never hurt me. The wonderful family he bestowed upon me. The wonderful world he placed at my feet. And the wonderful feeling inside of me as I realized the darkness was over forever. Thank You, Lord, for it is You who I am grateful to. It is You whom I love more than any person on this earth. It is You, Lord, who I serve. And it is You, Lord, who I could never sell myself short for. For You are the one who made me and You make no mistakes.

Thank You.

I love You, Lord. Love always and eternally forever, Kellbelle

scene 6, part 3

At first I thought everything would be okay. Everything would be all fine and dandy and life would be great. Boy I was wrong. So very wrong. How could I have let myself imagine such a thing? That everything would work out great? I knew better. I knew better all along. How could I have thought that maybe I was right? For I knew I could never be. Sometimes a girl focuses too much on some things and lets others go. I know now that the only person I can turn to, the only person that can help, is God. I knew this all along of course. However, sometimes you listen and sometimes you ignore it for a while. My life is like a jumbled mess. On the outside it may look wonderful. But once you place yourself in my shoes and hear my thoughts on everything, you'd be begging for a way out. Too much is going on and there is just too much stress.

There is one person to whom I am very sorry. You see I just keep fighting with this person. All we ever do is fight anymore. To you, I am hugely sorry. It's not that I hate you nor that I want you to hate me. It's that I let everything pile on me and then I snap. In order to not have a huge explosion, I've been having several small ones recently. Unfortunately they have all been directed at you because you're the one saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I am sorry for this. I hope you will forgive me.

To anyone I have upset, I apologize. I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to be a mad person. I don't want to be a sad person. I just want to be me. Happy go lucky me. It just seems I keep going into hiding. Once stress overloads I can't be happy go lucky all the time. I'm too busy worrying about every single thing. I can be with friends and just get lost in thought in an instant because I'm so busy worrying over things. I am sorry for this. Maybe my stress level will lower soon, but I fear it's only just started to fill up because of upcoming tests and then other things as well. The one thought constantly running through my mind is:

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a doctor after all.